Fans of Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch
I do it, Because…
In the end, that is why I’m here. If you ask me, I won’t be able to tell you. I can’t say I love it but, there it is. I hunger for that edge of life feeling; where to stay awake and moving is to stay alive. The cold and the waves want to rob you of it. The man; the cannery, the captain want to wring it from you but you just keep clinging, gnawing, fighting it with every fiber of your being till after the hatch is closed behind you and you drop where you stand, sinking into oblivion till you hear the 5 minute warning and you have to go out and face it again, gutting it out till you can’t grip your own knife, resist the motion of the boat anymore yet still you go on. It becomes a deadly dance. Just me and ‘it’.
Hot food and rack time makes me jump out on deck and howl at the moon as the waves and the winds bring it on all over again. I never feel more alive than in those moments. The fibers in my back threatening to tear loose, fingers like swollen sausages, a face that feels like it had a bad fight with sandpaper, and on and on I go. Why do I do it? Because I can. And getting paid for it is the perfect excuse to keep doing it till I get my fill and then some.
Finally the dock’s pull gains the upper hand and I land on it ready to go to town. Seeking refuge and refueling from any source I can gain access to. The warm punch of whiskey to replace the sting of a thawing body, the soft curves of a woman instead of the cold steel of the boat.
And I rest, relax. Take some R and R.
But when I scan the souls around me, there is no one that understands what I’ve seen, what I’ve been. And it doesn’t take very long before I seek the companions of my misery and find myself back on the boat, riding the waves ready to prove it once again. I do it, because… it is what I do.
Comment
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Comment by Maureen Eggleston on June 11, 2011 at 5:43am -
You are so right Kerry, listening is a skill. So few people these days seem to listen, really listen. Thanks for reminding me that this is important.
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Comment by Kerry on June 11, 2011 at 4:43am -
Susan, I am sure your family loves you and like many families, there are needs for strong backs and legs. But you can provide something that is often lacking and is so crucial for a vibrant, healthy family - a good ear. Most people won't admit it but they are frantically searching for someone to to hear them, really hear them. You have the depth of experience to be able to hear your families troubles, large and small and help them simply by sharing their inner burdens. A sorrow heard is divided, a joy shared is multiplied. Having the inability to walk isn't a burden when there is so much good work you can still do. HUGS!
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Comment by Susan Finney on June 9, 2011 at 3:15am -
You are right I do fish in my dreams. Sometimes they are not so pleasant but other times I catch the big one. I have been writing alot lately and my family says I should do more than just a little. I have stories to tell. But most of all I love listening to others. The things they say sometimes set my imagination going so much that I am not able to sleep. I love the deadliest catch because they are living my dreams and when Phill died I died a little with him. I don't mean it in a sad way because he died doing what he loved best not just fishing but living on the edge of life. I could see he did not miss a thing in life. From fishing the worst seas on the planet to drugs, sex, rock and roll, cycles and building bird houses. His boys were his joy and I am happy for him that he had that chance to live those things and died young enough that he did not share his pain with his kids for a long time. Which is my greatest fear in life to be a burden on my family and let them see me die slowly. I have lived a rich life and full of giant memories ones that I will relive on a daily basis. Like you I can not do it anymore but that does not stop me from writing. I look forward to reading more of your blogs and will join you once in a while, but you still have the spirit in your vains don't stop fishing and riding the waves.
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Comment by Kerry on June 8, 2011 at 7:48pm
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Susan, I am touched in return. It means so very much that I managed to get this across. I'm sorry to hear you cannot walk anymore. Do you still fish in your dreams? I often find myself in my dreams wave tossed and trying to ride it out on Huck Finns raft or other such nonsense. I still have use of my legs but know I would not make it on the boats anymore. My nerves are shot! ;-) I'll keep writing and I would encourage you to do the same. Start blog posts here. It is how I started almost a year ago.
Marianne, thank you. Much love, everyone. ♥
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Comment by Susan Finney on June 8, 2011 at 1:14am
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Kerry, I am shook up by what you wrote. I started reading and I wanted to be there and ride the waves again. Your words took my there and I wanted more to the end. Wow.... thank you. I have fished all of my life out of Washington ports and everytime I felt what you wrote (Salmon fishing). But I was never able to write it they way you did. I just enjoyed reliving it over and over. Now I am not able to walk anymore and fish anymore but I can relive those moments through my mind and now your words. I have fished other ports but the pacific is the best for me. Nothing gives you the thrill as do the waves from here. However, I do know there are other sea's out there that I have never experienced and I am sure they would give me a thrill some how as well. Thank you Kerry you are much appreciated.
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Comment by Marianne on June 6, 2011 at 4:59pm -
Beautifully written.....thank YOU!
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Comment by Kerry on June 6, 2011 at 1:19pm
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Thanks Alan!
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Comment by Alan Adams on June 5, 2011 at 10:30pm -
Lovely words Kerry,can only use your imagination to how this could feel,it is what you do and I admire you for it.xx
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Comment by Kerry on June 2, 2011 at 6:11am
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Thanks Mireille! I'm glad you liked it!
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Comment by Mireille on June 1, 2011 at 12:28pm -
Wow, nice words Kerry! Very visual, thanks for writing it down here.
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